Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.