Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I never met a kid I liked.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.