I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason