I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.