I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.