I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

I'm looking for loopholes.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.