I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.