Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

I can do anything I want to do!

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.