I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.