Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.