I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.