I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.