I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!