Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.