If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.