I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.