When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.