Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.