Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.