Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.