Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.