If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.