No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.