No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.