I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.