I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.