You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.