You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.