Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.