A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)