A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.