A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.