A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I never met a kid I liked.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.