If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.