If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.