I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?