I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.