I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas