It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.