When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Happiness means quiet nerves.