When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.