Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.