When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.