I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.