I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.

I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.