How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.