I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.