Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.