No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.