No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.