My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I never eat before breakfast.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).