My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.