It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I can do anything I want to do!

The best thing to break is a contract.