It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?