Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.