It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.