The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.