I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.