Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.