It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.