If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.