I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

Ain't fit for man nor beast

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.