I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.