Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.