Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.