Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

I never met a kid I liked.