The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?