Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.