Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.