Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.