The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.