I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.