I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I drink therefore I am.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

Never give a sucker an even break.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.