I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.