I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.