Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.