Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

The best thing to break is a contract.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.