Never work with animals or children.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.