There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

I never eat before breakfast.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.