All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.